Musing of a verbose mind. It borders on all that takes a skeptical and highly critical view of whatever is happening or has happened in our world..... do read it and post your comments..... discourse is welcome.....

20 reasons why Texting is better than making calls


Posted on Thursday, October 07, 2010 | By Gautam | In ,

Here are 20 reasons why making calls suck. And messages are a better way of communicating.
  1. You live in Mumbai.
  2. The recipient lives in Mumbai.
  3. Your service provider is Airtel/ Vodafone/ MTNL/ Some-random-new-entrant.
  4. Your recipient's service provider is Airtel/ Vodafone/ MTNL/ Some-random-new-entrant.
  5. You're in a Local/ Bus/ Auto.
  6. The recipient is in a Local/ Bus/ Auto.
  7. Because you're in a public place, you don't want others to get a whiff of what is going on. Privacy FTW.
  8. The recipient is in a public place and does not want others to get a whiff of what is going on. Privacy FTW. (Personally, I feel this point sucks. We don't give a fuck about others privacy, do we?!!)
  9. You can sext. Yes, S-E-X-T. It's like phone sex. But you can read the conversations later and get a hard on. Plus, it can be done sitting in the middle of a corporate presentation (they suck donkey balls anyways), Local/ Bus/ Auto. Although you can have phone sex sitting in an auto, but that pervert of a driver will have fun. And charge you instead.
  10. He/ She can sext.
  11. You're talking to a Gujju girl, in which case your phone will be on mute but you can still hear her shrill, irritating voice. Soft spoken Gujju girl is an oxymoron.
  12. The recipient hates talking to a Gujju girl because of aforementioned reason.
  13. You could flaunt the touch interface of your latest iPhone or an Android phone while texting (No, I don't give a fuck if the recipient has an iPhone. God, please make his/ her iPhone crush under the merciless Local. Amen.).
  14. You could listen to a song while texting and cut out all the ambient noise.
  15. The recipient can listen to a song while texting and cut out all the ambient noise.
  16. You can text while you're getting laid. But that'll make you a sore loser. Get a life instead.
  17. The recipient can text while getting laid. And this makes him/ her a sore loser. FUCK YEAH!!!
  18. It IS easier to abuse a person in written text. And maybe he/ she will retain the message and feel humiliated. *imitating Jaquin Phoenix as Commodus* A-G-A-I-N and A-G-A-I-N and A-G-A-I-N.
  19. The recipient wants to humiliate you. Where did I keep my Colt?!!
  20. I LIKE TEXTING. Period.

The poke


Posted on Saturday, September 18, 2010 | By Gautam | In , , ,

An eye for an eye will make the whole world blind~ Gandhi

A poke in the eye will make Mumbaikars blind.

Picture this: A street strewn apart with construction, clogged gutters, ankles submerged in water, a continuous supply of humans from either side, rains lashing and wetting masses with whatever paltry means they have to protect themselves (rain gods must be having a good time watching all this, live). Everyone just wants to get into or out of the local station. And then you have a beautiful, petite figure walking towards you with a sense of urgency. There's an unmistakable ruthlessness in her strut. But that innocent face hides a sinister secret. A secret that you're going to find out soon.

Very soon.

The Mumbai mob pushes you forward towards your destiny. There's a poke. Pain starts to grip your entire head. Soon you feel it all over your body. There's a moment of blindness (pray that it isn't permanent). Giddy, you come back to your senses with rage getting the better of your rationale. You turn around to catch hold of your attacker. But the cold, wet, emotionless mob pushes you further. Your femme fatale is long gone. You curse her, the rains, crowd, the infrastructure, government (maybe even your birth!!!) et all.

But you vow to take revenge. A revenge against the system. The crowd. You walk like a man who has found meaning in his life. Pushing aside and cursing, somewhere in the crowd your figure disappears; nudging, elbowing and pushing aside fellow humans. Humanity died today. You are now a part of a vicious cycle, engulfed by the monster that is Mumbai. At a poke. The weapon of choice: A rather innocent looking umbrella.

Gandhi died today.

Based on a true story. No humans were harmed during the course of writing.

Middle Class Elitism


Posted on Sunday, August 29, 2010 | By Gautam | In , ,

Scene 1: Look Maa!! All those semi nude tribal are fighting against Vedanta (read Imperial power) which is going to usurp them from the mound they worship.

Scene 2: A hip SoBo type woman in my home town lecturing a vegetable vendor in Anglicised Hindi, "Bhai sahab! Aapko paataa naahi ki polythene bags se environment ko harm pahunchta hai. Chhi, aapko yeh practice band kaarni chaahiye."

After watching Avatar and the ass kicking Na'vis received at the hands of humans (guys, I'm proud of you) and relating with their immense suffering, the middle class humane quotient is at a rise. Yours truly witnessed it at The Indian Coffee House in Kolkata (not that Bongs have anything worthwhile to do except debate at addas anyways). Any ways, in a mundane town like mine, the middle class is baffled at what is happening in Orissa. How can the government do that to those unarmed tribal people. It is supposed to protect the people. It is acting against the very people who elected them. Arnab 'the-I-won't-let-my-guests-speak-for-more-than-23-seconds' Goswami is behaving on the show as if he's suffering from PMS stress due to all that mining. Environmentalists and those GreenPeace terrorists are behaving in their now rehearsed 'I told you so' manner. (I've taken a jibe at all the usual suspects or did I leave someone?!! Feel free to add in comments)

So the middle class blood is boiling (accept it guys, it can only boil. It's not potent enough to get your Trans fat fattened ass to get out of the couch and do something). The timing for all this couldn't have been worse. What with all the public outrage against Bhopal fiasco, Mumbai oil spill (die biatches for you have made my drive to Marine Drive hell) and now the Nuclear Liability Bill. Naveen Patnaik amidst all this, is going to Delhi and asking why he, like all the other CMs shouldn't have the right to pollute and destroy and plunder the natural resources of his state. After all Orissa is hit by a cyclone every other year. Let there be some man made disasters too! BTW, Patnaik should sack his PR guy.

So what is my problem with all this? Well for starters we won't stop driving our cars. We won't appreciate car pooling (Ideate this to a Dilliwala and you may find yourself under his BMW's expensive Bridgestone radials. I won't ride in the locals or the Best buses (moving up the social ladder FTW). I'll board only the AC buses with loads of CFC. I want my iPhone chiselled out of a single block of Aluminium.

In effect, I want all the luxuries of life. Luxuries which somewhere down their value chain pollute the environment. But I'll turn a blind eye to that. Akin to 'I enjoy pork but can't see a pig being slaughtered'. We, as a people want to come down heavily on all these projects which seem to uproot locals and destroy nature as we know it. It's in vogue after all. But do we ever realise why these projects never cease to exist? Such evil (if I may) corporations exist? Oil spills continue to occur? Nature being destroyed?

Only because our insatiable need for all things material and luxury. Think about it, the same middle class complaining about all this is sitting in his flat in Bandra or some suburb. And mangrove vegetation in Mumbai was destroyed to provide him his housing.

And yes, Na'vis will continue to get their ass kicked. Atleast in India. All this IS middle class elitism.

PS: The author is in no way prejudiced against the Na'vis.
PPS: Vedanta has not paid the author. Although he would have liked it.
PPPS: For me, GreenPeace will always remain a terror organisation.

Us v/s them


Posted on Friday, February 19, 2010 | By Gautam | In , ,

Disclaimer: The following post is very harsh on 'artists'. Feel free to feel offended.

  • Is artistic freedom everything?
  • Doesn't the audience count for their presence?
  • Does being narcissistic and claiming I-do-it-for-my-happiness-only not amount to insulting the audience?

These are but a few questions that come up inadvertently between artistes(?) and audience alike when one is defending his/her work (crap in some case) and one is criticising. We've all been privy to 'art' and the lingo and air associated with the artists. The stand that they take. The way they (mis)behave. The way they question the intelligence of the audience when it comes to understanding their masterpiece. Yes, the same audience who would wait patiently for hours before these artists would start their performances, would sit through their tantrums, would stand their arrogance and believe me you, some of their so called performances are a tolling on the senses of a common man. But then we are dismissed as not having that knack of understanding art. Lesser mortals, us commoners.

But who are these people performing for? Who are these people displaying their talents to? Why do they want to be recognized, receive awards, be cheered at? Ego. As much as anyone on this world may like to deny, ego is the underlying reason for many of our endeavours. It may take different forms, it may be dubbed as inspiration by many but one cannot deny the existence of ego. For me, my self esteem emanates from ego. For someone else, ego may mean something else. Appreciation is something we all crave for. As kids, we would be more than happy when we'd be patted on our backs. We all like it when we're appreciated and appraised. It's the basis of a meritocratic society. It satisfies our egos. Maslow wasn't kidding when he proposed the need hierarchy theory.

Then why such despise for the common man? Why differentiate stuff as artistic and non-artistic? The so called performer who revels in his own glory after taking a higher moral ground when he says I perform for the love of performing, wants to see the auditorium/ cinema hall/ art gallery brimming with people. Why does he/she crib when not selected for a national award or some sort of recognition for that matter? The answer is ego.

The notion of some people being gifted with a heightened sense of some form of art is the basic premise that gives rise to what I shall term 'art-feudalism'. Similar to feudalism, some minds (demented in some case) take unto themselves the onus of saving the world from the absence of art. Their works are critiqued and applauded within their own fraternity, given fancy names such as neo-progressive, cubism (Picasso. See I know my art!!!), et all. What do you and I understand? What do you and I care?

If it was not for the common man, whose senses and intelligence are sometimes loathed at by artists, thronging the cinema halls, theatres and art galleries, these people would have been jobless. Fancy gimmicks apart (like roaming barefoot and all), belting out crap in the name of art, innovation and invention cannot be a valid logic. We all can tell how something is pathetic. Instead of taking in the criticism and improving upon, some artists sit back and blame the public on their lack of sensory perceptions.

Art isn't running around the trees but it isn't for sure, capturing scenes form weird angles wherein one has to tilt his/her head 120 degrees to make sense. Art isn't being so damn abstract that only the one conceiving it understands. People, universally, can make out what appeals to their aesthetic senses.

It's not always about exclusivity, it sometimes borders around abnormality.

Artistic freedom is epic fail when one does not appreciate the audience.

Pliss be excusing.....


Posted on Tuesday, January 26, 2010 | By Gautam | In , ,

Cricket is a religion. There are the demi gods. And each religion is run by clergymen. That the hierarchy of power in Indian cricket is complex is no new news. That BCCI contributes 70% of ICC's expenses is stale news. That Kevin Pietersen earned $1.55 million in the last edition of IPL is an indicator that people will kill to be a part of this extravaganza. So the news that Pakistani players are crying foul over their exclusion should not flutter wings in the Indian news circuit. But it is. And that is what is appalling!!!

It has been a few days since the latest auction for this year's edition took place and the baseline was that no Pakistani player was bidden for (The glee on my face gives away my happiness!!!). There have been n number of comments, counter comments, people displaying their dismay at the turn of events, et all. Things, for me become farcical when celebrities owning circus teams jump in the fray to gain some cheap publicity. And who other than I-want-to-hog-the-limelight-all-the-time, SRK, jumps the bandwagon and indulges into some introspection wherein he feels that he felt humiliated for the simple fact that Pakistani players were ignored for the bygone auctions. Humiliated?!! Yeah, right.

Lets get some facts straight Mr. Khan, shall we? That your team did not bid for tells a lot about your feeling bad. Where was your sportsman? Why did you let the businessman in you overshadow the sportsman? It all sounds good when we talk about how cricket unites the people of the two nations. But sample this, a now legendary pacer of yesteryears from Pakistan stated this category that for him, playing against India is like going on a jihad. That sports are modern war format, devoid of all the weapons of mass destruction, where the pride of a nation is at stake is common knowledge. But jihad? Seriously sir, you need to reconsider your choice of words.

The PCB is crying fowl now. Some politicians are doing the same on both sides. Celebrities on both sides like SRK are feeling humiliated. Because big money is involved. Call this post jingoistic rhetoric, but its not going to change facts. Things sound very rosy when we all say that cricket unites hearts. And in a few days, those united hearts carry out attack on the Indian soil. Those united hearts harbour terrorists. And the list can continue. People like SRK sometimes forget the simple fact that we call the shots when it comes to cricket. We are the El Dorado of cricket. And till the time the other country in contention cleans up its acts, boycotting them is not a bad idea.

I love cricket. I love the in-swinging, toe crushing yorkers of Pakistani bowlers. Us v/s Them matches are epic. But I also mourn the deaths of fellow countrymen dying in incidents like 26/11. So if the money can be a thorn in their flesh, so be it!!!

Cause!!! What cause???


Posted on Saturday, January 09, 2010 | By Gautam | In ,

Picture this: A person rushes to you to get your signature and email id on a petition. When you ask about the cause. They just shrug their shoulders and nonchalantly answer that its for PETA something and their 'cause' for doing it is because they'd been promised a t-shirt!!!

So much so for a cause.

I was privy to this scene at my ongoing college fest where PETA people have put up a booth and are promoting in their now well chronicled jingoistic rhetoric. The fact that I disagree with their ways is a different story and more on it sometime else. The point here is that the conscious of supposedly educated people is so darn cheap that it can be bought with a measly dirt cheap t-shirt!!! That PETA resorts to such gimmicks is a concern for me. The youth is happy when given badges, stickers and t-shirts is really hilarious considering the fact that we call ourselves 'concerned citizens'.

The signatories too will not be unscathed in my verbal assault. Non-vegetarians sign the petition without giving it a thought that killing animals for food is antithetical to the PETA philosophy and that this act of theirs is no more than a farce. The same criticism is associated with this set of citizens too. That being associated with a cause or for that matter an NGO is cool is a mockery of any movement. Most of the youth takes up such seemingly cool causes only to leave them mid way is a pattern I've observed and no amount of vociferous denying can turn the facts head on. This, not taking away from those who really feel for some matters and devote time and efforts should be respected though.

We live in an era of politically correct statements where a big number of grey haired men and women would like us to believe how we, the younger generation, are more into social causes than their generation was. The fact though is that the number of devoted people is really really small.

Fellow countrymen of yore, let us respect the spirit of social causes and movements and the people who are driving it. Unless we feel very strongly for them, lets refrain from joining them just for the reason of looking cool or peer pressure for that matter. Your just abiding laws and paying taxes on time does not make you a second rate citizen.

At-least don't sell your souls for a cheap t-shirt to look cool!!!!!

PS: This one's for my pup Milo who I'm missing too much :(